GuestPost – Florahsrecovery
I was nineteen years old when I decided to move to Nottingham to start a ‘new life. Within three months, I met my ex, within a few weeks, I was pregnant.
The abuse was pretty instant. I remember the first time he strangled me, I was running up the stairs away from him, and he caught my foot and dragged me down & choked me until I passed out. I’m hindsight, I should have left them, but I was young, naive & thought that he would change when the baby arrived.
His favourite form of abuse was strangulation. In his mind, he didn’t ‘hit’ me, so it wasn’t abused, but that quickly deteriorated. He used torture techniques on me, called waterboarding & he would slap me with objects so I would comply. He slapped me so hard once he broke my nose.
In the days leading up to me giving birth, he dragged me around the house by my feet and stamped on me repeatedly.
He cut his hand, smashing pots and pans, throwing them at me, screaming at me & telling me I should have been the one washing them.
We went to the hospital to get his hand-stitched, and my waters broke. While I was in labour in the hospital, he was still hitting me; he even head-butted me, the midwife removed him from the birthing room, and I gave birth on my own.
After my son was born, we lasted five weeks before I packed everything I could and ran away. I remember him ripping Eli off of me while I was breastfeeding him; he threw him onto the couch so that he could attack me.
I reached my breaking point; enough was enough. I had endured physical, sexual & mental abuse for far too long. I then found sanctuary at my house in Essex.
He was plotting to kidnap my son. He would threaten me with guns & bombs for well over a year before I took out a non-molestation order on him.
After all of this, I put all my pain to the back of my head, and I went to university, worked two jobs, and raised my little boy.
Over the past couple of years, there were a few more incidents where I was subjected to sexual abuse. At work, an incident that pushed me right over the edge, I finally broke and went into a crisis.
I am now at a stage in my life where I cannot shower without getting terrible flashbacks of the torture, I can’t be in any pain, without getting flashbacks of the rape, I can’t go outside my house without the complete panic of strangers, this means that I can’t take my son to school, to the park, to playdates. It is crippling and exhausting.
I’m desperate to receive therapy, but the waiting list is so huge I’ve turned to Instagram & TikTok to find a community and finally speak out about the abuse that occurred. I am hoping to raise some money by doing this to help fund my therapy.
I’ve heard EDMR is great with complex PTSD. Still, I’ve been diagnosed with that alongside panic disorder, social anxiety, anxiety disorder & manic depressive disorder, so I would also like to undertake CBT. My mental health crisis team have put me forward to start lifestyle courses which I’m due to start at the end of July, and I’ll be sharing how this helps on my Instagram and TikTok @florahsrecovery – TikTok