Guest- Post – Anonymous
I am writing this to raise awareness and hopefully help other people like me believe that they do have a future, they do have a choice and can change their future, and that we all deserve to be loved and genuinely cared for.
My journey started when I left my daughter’s dad, and she was just six months old.
He smoked weed a lot, was in and out of jobs. I think he was very immature, and I didn’t know if he would ever change. He was messaging other girls, which I found one night after putting my daughter to bed.
That was it for me. I waited till he fell asleep and collected my things, took my daughter and left him. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I’ve never looked back.
I stayed with my dad and my step mum until he finally agreed to leave my house, but it was very, very difficult to get him out.
I went from boyfriend to boyfriend, and I had lost all my confidence.
I never really thought I was worth anything. I picked the wrong guys because I just wanted a normal family.
Then I went on a dating website and started talking to this guy that lived in the area where I was living; he seemed to be a nice guy, maybe over-friendly, he just thought I was amazing, and out of this world, we dated for a couple of months. He was pretty full-on, but I liked it because I want to be loved…
He liked my daughter; he also had a son himself, so to me, he was safe, but he started doing things strange things like his personality change once if he had had a drink or some times he would get quite very possessive and intense.
He proposed to me and pretty much moved in. It was quite an intense relationship, and we argued a bit more than normal. We broke up because he would get too angry.
He’d made me feel bad once he really wanted me to go to his brother’s wedding with him, so I did go after some persuading. He got drunk, so I went home, I left him. I said I need to go home, and he turned up at my house at four in the morning, really drunk, so I stupidly let him in, not realising what would come from it.
I thought he was apologetic. He said that he was sorry for getting so drunk and he needed me; then he said, “you can’t live without me” he also became quite nasty, saying that he’s going to kill my dogs!
Then he got personal, and then he started to get quite sexual, saying, can we have sex one more time, just once more and that he needed it he’d never bother me again after, obviously I said no, but he kept pushing saying nasty things about me about my dogs.
That’s when I decided to put my phone on record, just so I could show his mum how nasty he was because when I said to her before that he can be nasty, she never really believed me. It was always just brushed under the carpet.
Things turned from bad to worse; he started doing things that I didn’t want him to do.
I had a lot of weight on top of me. I remember feeling very desperate very quickly, and it went from like, okay, too, I didn’t know what to do.
I struggled and thought, why is this happening? Surely you know that I’m crying; surely you know this is not what I want.
I was so confused, I felt sick at the fact that he was getting his way and that I could just be discarded like that, and he thought so little of me that he could do that to me.
There was a part of me that couldn’t believe that was happening.
When it was over, I grabbed my phone and ran into the bathroom. I cried and cried, and that’s when I think the realisation hit him with what he had done.
Then he started apologising, and when he realised that wasn’t going to work, he started getting angry he started smashing up my house. When I came out of the bathroom, I went downstairs, and he was hanging one of my dogs over my fence.
Seeing this, I was hysterical and begged him to please put the dog down, which he did.
Looking around, there was glass everywhere all over my house. It was trashed.
I tried to calm myself down; my mind was a turmoil. I think I waited for him to go out of the room. I picked up my dogs, and I just ran out of the house. I had no shoes on. I was in my pyjamas. I ran down the road to a man who was fixing his car. I asked him if I could come in and please help me.
I said that I was in danger and that my ex-partner had been physical; he let me hide in a room with his daughter, which I can imagine must’ve been scary for her. I remember hearing banging on the guy’s door who had helped me and terrified, but it was an innocent delivery, but I was just so scared.
I didn’t tell the guy what happened; he later heard a conversation between myself and a police officer, which made him even more shocked and sympathetic towards me.
After waiting at his house for two hours for the police, we realised that they were not in any hurry to come out to me, so the guy drove me to the local station to give them my statement.
I told them that I had a recording on my phone because of his aggression build-up that I thought one day something might happen and I’d hoped that being caught on there obviously would help, the police took my phone, they took my clothes and I had swabs taken.
I remember getting a lot of phone calls from him while I was waiting to be interviewed. The police told me to ignore them and that they were looking for him and he would be arrested today, I know this sounds crazy, but it was hard to hear knowing what was happening because I still cared about him I thought I loved him.
It was hard to know if what I was doing was the right thing. I was confused because I was in such a shock. I was in the Police station till about 11 p.m. I went in there in the morning, and I didn’t get home till late in the evening. It was one of the most painful things I’ve been through, and after I was examined, I walked past a corridor and heard all the police officers listening to the recording on my phone.
That was when I realised this was real. This did happen, and it was terrible. The police officers on the scene were amazing; they hoovered my house, so there was no glass leftover. All my friends from around where I lived at the time were incredible. They stayed with me; they supported me. They removed every trace of him from my phone from my social media just so I never had to come across anything ever again.
I lost two stone in two months, so I weighed about seven stone, I think, and I looked terrible. I hardly ate. I would nibble at something to keep me going, a slice of pizza or a chicken nugget, because I’d felt so sick.
I called the police station a few times, asking them to let me speak to him. I didn’t think what I had done was normal; I couldn’t get my head around what had happened. I regretted so much at first what I had done by going to the police.
I felt guilty for doing that to someone; punishing them for the rest of their life haunted me for a long, long time. I wanted to withdraw, but the officers reassured me this was normal to feel guilty. They told me how damaging that would be if I did this and how it would go against me massively, so I resisted the withdrawal.
The officer that was dealing with my case was a little bit inappropriate on a couple of occasions he had to text me saying things like if I ever got lonely, he would pop round for a bottle of wine he might not have meant anything by it but after something going through what I had only days ago it made me feel very on edge.
I started a new job two days after this happened. I eventually told my new employer what had happened to me because I wasn’t stable and would break down crying. I was an emotional wreck. They let me stay home for a week or two and were very supportive, but it was all very embarrassing for me having to admit something like that had happened to me so soon into a job.
I Had the buildup of my sister’s wedding three months later where my sister’s husband’s brother was texting me, showing me his speech, asking if I was okay; obviously, he had been told, so he knew what happened.
We had been texting throughout the build-up to my sister’s wedding.
He was very kind and considerate of my feelings. It was apparent he liked me. The day before my sister’s wedding was tough. I had a different type of feelings, very mixed emotion towards my soon to be brother in law, I already knew him and trusted him because of my sister’s connection, and my daughter knew him, and I knew he was safe.
After six months, we became an official couple, but things were different; it took me a while to get back to where I was confidential; we didn’t have a normal sex life, it was very delicate, and I dealt with things a lot later on than I should have.
I didn’t think I deserved to be happy, and I struggled for a while. What felt like 3 or 4 months after he stood trial, and because of the recording and the evidence, he had to plead guilty, so he received two years. I believe he served one as he had no previous convictions; however, I did find out from his ex-partner he had done something slightly similar before and been violent to her.
I wish she had done something then. I did have a happy ever after since getting married to my sister’s husbands brother. We have a young son together, and he has taken on my daughter as his own, and we have a wonderful life.
I wanted to share what happened to me to try and help people speak out and stop things like this from happening and prove: You do have a choice, but it is up to you to make them. No one has a right to take them.
Everyone deserves a happy ever after.
To Get Support:
National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247
RASASC – National Freephone Helpline – 0808 802 9999
Samaritans 116 123
You are not alone; please reach out; the lady sharing this story is an inspiration, and she has reached out and got help and turned her life around.