Guest – Post Mr Nononsense
There is nothing like a worldwide pandemic to induce absolute panic within people. I can only presume this is the reason when I describe what has happened. Those of you who have read the blog know that I have already covered cheating once before, but I now bring you the special pandemic version of cheating! Nothing stirs the southern sexual regions of bored housewives or hormonal men than thinking the end of the world is coming, and they panic that you were the one that got away and now they are badgering you.
Don’t believe me? I give you exhibit A… I had some housework done in the summer. I hate having workmen in as it instantly increases my bullshit bravado and all the deepening of the voice to do the “ha ha ha, yes I do think that should be screwed in nice and tight, just how I like it when I have had a couple of beers after work” even though I am generally in my pink fluffy slippers sipping a dirty martini and catching up with the real housewives of Atlanta…. Anyhoo, one has taken a shine, and now I can’t seem to shake them off. Despite my clear lack of engagement in the conversation, they persist. We have now escalated to them absolutely begging that it must be kept a secret if something happens between us (it won’t) and then proceeds to list what they want to do to me which is not something you would see on a David Attenborough documentary.
While busy trying to bat them away and ignoring their several requests to worship my feet and put a menagerie of items in my bum crack, in walks exhibit B unexpected and unannounced. Exhibit B is a long term friend who declares undying love and respect for me and that they have always wondered what it would be like to fool around with me. Well slap me sideways and call me Susan, where has this come from?! As I query why now and why suddenly, they say lockdown has given them some perspective. How has it?! All lockdown has given me is an unhealthy relationship with my fridge! As I probe exhibit B, they then start admitting that they still have their long term partner, who they are not willing to leave, and could this little secret be just between us. As I am just debating how many languages I can say ‘no’ in and beginning to ponder on how to shoot down exhibit B, there is an appearance of exhibit C.
Unbelievable exhibit C is Asshat!!!! Ok, the world really MUST be ending?! Where on earth has this one slithered out from. Mysteriously Asshat has now managed to get over the commitment phobia and is now in a loving relationship, well that’s lovely, I am really happy for you but why are you messaging me exactly? They reply simply with: I have missed you.
To be continued….