Part – Three Of Being Overwhelmed

Real Talk

So MRI is all over and done with and off I went to see the Orthopaedic Consultant. So my friend and I went into his consulting room, and my friend helped ( Tractor Lady) me get my clothes off so he could see what was occurring with my right shoulder and arm. So basically it’s frozen and has little movement left in it, he then offered a Cortisone injection which I declined as I am on blood thinners and anyone who is on these knows an injection of this sort can cause more bleeding and bad bruising. As someone who has blood clotting issues and on top carries a clotting gene MTHFR even having that injection is a no, no, also I have SVT, so steroid is not advisable with this.

I had built myself up for that consultation that he would have all the answers to what had been going on over the last few months, my MRI hadn’t even been read and asked him has there been another bleed, and he said it could be possible, but let’s see what the results are when it’s been read.

To have a bleed in one shoulder and then have it frozen and not at full use is bad luck but for it to happen to the other side is just bloody unlucky. I swear it’s down to the blood thinners I think personally the rot your body from the inside out. So at 44 years old, I have two arms what I can only move in specific ways. My pain levels are through the roof to the point if I move suddenly it makes me cry out until I can get hold of the liquid painkiller and get it in my system, this also happens a couple of times in the night if I have moved in the wrong direction.

The simplest of things like going to the toilet and bringing up leggings or knickers can leave me in crippling agony and stuck in the bathroom. I cannot wash my hair as my arms will not bend where I need them to go. Thank god for sports bra’s and baggy tops as this is now what I’m living in. I have smashed three glasses this week as I forget that I have lost my strength in that hand and my grip is so weak.

I’m a size ten but need size 16 tops, or I wouldn’t be getting dressed. So its black leggings and all baggy tops for the near future. Anyway I have been booked in on the urgent list for manipulation under surgery and an injection of saline they use to try and help with the pain, but this is a three-month waiting list. I told him I was desperate and I will take any cancellation list date as I can’t carry on the way I am. I am also shielding but have to weigh up the options, and the pain outweighs it all.

I am not sleeping because of the pain and then when I do sleep my whole body is jumping, I have about 12 pillows on the bed and oversized support cushions and let’s not forget my direct debit in deep heat and spray. I have to have my pain relief next to my bed as literally the minute my eyes open I have to take as I can’t get out of bed till it’s in my system.

What I find so hard is that trying to explain it to people that I can’t just click it back into place it’s frozen and with that is extreme pain like a knife being dragged down my shoulder tip into my neck and radiating down into my hand all down my arm. Then when people give advice on trying this and that and swapping medications! It drives me insane about peoples medical input when A.)  they have never experienced this or B.) been on any of the medications I am on. There is no magic wand in making this go away, and if there was, I would have done it all for the left side and made most of the word better.

Please don’t mention to me about taking CBD oil as its not compatible with blood thinners. I know my body better than anyone and I know what mixes and what doesn’t and if it were that easy to try something else don’t you think I would have done it by now. All this is affecting my mental health and I am trying my hardest to keep it together. I  am dying for a soft tissue massage but we are in a pandemic so that’s out the question. Meditation and hot chocolate are helping but I wish I could bring my pain levels down. (only message if you know this pain level)

Somedays I don’t even want to talk to anyone, and that is because I am in so much pain, it’s not because I am busy its because I don’t know what to do with myself let alone try and have a conversation with someone. If only people could see, see what went on behind closed doors. Just because someone says there ok or even seeming they are ok on social media; it doesn’t mean that they are ok.

I have become so good at hiding all pain and just saying I’m ok that I now need to break this pattern and take a step back on my bad days and do self-care for myself. I will carry on and try my hardest to keep sharing peoples stories and music but on my good days when I feel I am coping. On the plus note, my adult son’s have offered to shower me if I leave my knickers and sports top on … this made me chuckle. I also have Fibromyalgia, so when I am stressed, this is at its worse and the flares ups are creeping up on me.

I am taking 23 odd tablets a day, and my new perfume is deep heat. ( I have forgotten what nice perfume smells like) I have a direct debit with amazon for everything and might as well be working for them promoting there products, even my doctor says I should be sedated with the amount in my system but this isn’t the case for me, and it worries me everything I have to take.

Yes, my humour is warped, but it has to be, and I have a sailors mouth at present because this is me and its how I am dealing with it all. Thank god my dogs are old and like sleeping a lot as they are now apart of the bed with me.

 

Even more gutting is that I was due for a full hysterectomy on the 11th and that has now been cancelled due to my erratic heart (SVT) and dodgy shoulder/arm so that was a kick in the balls, as I had been waiting for that surgery for so long and now could have been womb free dealing with one less issue a month (evil ovaries).

I am thankful for being alive and having voice control on my phone and laptop, and for those people checking up on me and helping, you know who you are so much, love…..

To be Continued part 4….

 

Miss.Positive