When Everything Is Out Of Your Control

So back in May time, I started to feel pain in my right shoulder but just tried to ignore it as I already been through hell with the left shoulder after suffering a bleed. I  then had surgery, and now I am left with a frozen shoulder and pain and not being able to put any weight on it. I could feel little niggles here and there, and I had mentioned it to my Rheumatologist Consultant back in June, but with all this lockdown I haven’t seen her only had telephone appointments.

I had a telephone assessment with an Orthopaedic consultant who went over everything with me in the space of an hour and decided I needed an urgent MRI scan to make sure there hasn’t been another bleed or to see if it is just frozen up.

Anyway fast forward to the last six weeks, and now my right arm has jammed and locked in, and the pain is through the roof that I haven’t slept properly in weeks. I have just been taking the highest amount of painkiller’s a person can take. I have to be very careful as I am on blood thinners because of previous DVT’s and PE’s ( blood clots legs and lungs) and I also carry a clotting gene called MFHTR which doesn’t help. I suffer from chronic pain and Fibromyalgia, but this pain is something else.

There has been a lot of tears and a lot of frustrating moments, thankful I have friends who listen and care. Having a fabulous doctor is also a plus, and I am lucky to have got one what actually listens.  I feel I never want to put my problems on to anyone else as everyone has there struggles. I’m thankful for the friends what have just listened.

My pet pee is when someone txt’s you and asks how you are and you reply, and they completely just air your message and carrying on talking about there lives, with no mention or” hope that you are ok”. Or they txt you and reply five days later. I am slowly learning not to let it even get to me. I will not apologise to anyone for having medical issues, and if a person cant understand where you are coming from, then these people are not your tribe.

I am always the one reaching out making sure people are ok, I need to learn to take a step back and have a lot more self-care and distinguish real friends from takers or those who just want to hear about your life, I have realized not everyone is clapping for you and some people want to see you down, well not no more.

It’s times when you are feeling so bad that you know who is around you. My routine has been taking a liquid painkiller to be able to get out of bed and then swallow four nerve blockers and slow-release pain killers. Some mornings I haven’t been able to get my toothbrush to mouth because of the movement and pain. Getting clothes on and off is a nightmare, and I end up getting stuck until someone can help me.

I have a direct debit in deep heat spray and cream and heat pads, the heat pad is always attached to my neck now that I’m thinking its a fashion accessory. I could really go on about getting on and off the toilet and pulling bottoms up, but that’s another story.

Thrown into the mix was an appointment for a heart scan a few days ago because I have SVT and Tachycardia. My friend drove me to the hospital, and it was so funny, she had to help me off with my clothing while we were behind a curtain and she didn’t realize the consultant was the other side and was talking about saggy boobs and god knows what…. She made me laugh while I’m half-naked laying on a medical bed in the scanning room.. even he was laughing. It’s not often he would get two people in a tiny scanning room with warped humour.

I think we made his day and he was so professional and showed empathy and compassion, he then dropped into the mix that if I were to come into contact with the virus, I wouldn’t make it. I was to shield from that minute; he had gone over all my medical history before I got there, so I was impressed with that.

He went on to say with all the medications I am on (23 a day) it can cause immune suppression which is not a right mix with covid, to hear someone say it put loud actually scares me shitless. I suffer from high anxiety issues as it is so now this is something else I have to deal with, I feel a lot of meditation coming on and if I have to take diazepam on top to calm the anxiety, then I will.

My friend kindly said she would step up now and help where she can, as now I won’t be leaving my front door, apart from trips to the hospital. Over the last five weeks chasing this scan has been a nightmare and I must have spoken to over 30 people regarding it all because there was a mix up with my name and god know whatever else. I know we are in the middle of a pandemic also and I appreciate why things happen but sometimes being the patient and passed from pillow to post can send one a little bat shit crazy!

So now my scan is now next week, and it will show what has happened to the right side and if it is another bleed. I hate taking this amount of drugs to be able to function they make you feel so crappy and not with it. My friend will be pleased another outing at the hospital and dishy doctors… I will continue to put out my quotes of positivity and sharing people’s story’s as this was my whole mission for setting up this website and bringing people together from all walks of life…You never know what is going on behind closed doors and just because someone has a smile on their face, it doesn’t mean they don’t have issues.. always be kind.

To be continued…