Shrimp Dicks vs Baggy Vags

Time for the ultimate showdown, but which is worse!? There is nothing more disappointing when you have put serious time and effort into dating someone and finally decide its time to hit the horizontal, everything has been bleached within an inch of its life, you are greased up and preened and ready to go and then *boom* disaster.

The pants finally come off and they have a tiny little shrimp dick, hiding in a huge bush of pubic hair like a little frightened button mushroom peaking out for some sunlight. Ok, let’s not panic too much, they could be a grower, not a shower until they give you the heartbreaking news that it’s fully erect. Ok, never one to stare adversity in the face, you like this person and you want this to work out between you so you hope that although tiny, it be but mighty. They begin grunting away, “how is it for you, babe?” And you have to awkwardly reply “yeah that’s not actually in, not even the tip, you are screwing the mattress”. After such a poor showing, can the relationship ever last? Would you put up with it and then just come up with excuses as to why you can’t be intimate with each other? There are only so many times you can say “I mixed the bleach up in the wrong percentages and accidentally burnt my asshole” before they start getting suspicious that you are avoiding them.

To the other end of the spectrum and she wanders into the room in her absolute best lingerie but as you look down at the panties you can already see the baggy lips hanging down either side of the gusset, unable to be contained by the tiny bits of flimsy nylon. You think, ok, this might not be that bad, could just be some ill-fitting underwear and hey, we have all had that and as she peels them off and you stare into the massive abyss of labia, you realise you will never be able to enjoy a kebab after a night out ever again. You shake the image from your mind and proceed to get a face full while trying not to suffocate under the excess skin if you are attempting to make love with the windows open as its so hot and stifling at the moment, be extra careful as those things can flap in the wind and give you their own round of applause on your performance!

As you progress your way further forward and begin to focus on the task at hand, she begins to moan and you are encouraged to try harder, you think you are doing well when you notice the dampness until she informs you her pelvic floor has never been the same after child number 5. Bugger it. You decide to go for full-on mission control central and as you begin to advance like a miners canary you become acutely aware that this is like throwing a sausage up an alleyway, there is no way you will be able to climax as there is no crowd encouragement for you so you just hope your acting skills are up to Eastenders level. When she has rolled off and wonders that “you don’t cum much?” always remember that age-old adage that you had a wank before you came round.

Yours Faithfully

Mr.No Nonsense