Eating Disorder- Guest Blogger
After hiding my eating issues for over 20 years, getting all this out has been therapeutic after being in denial for so long. Since the age of 13, I can remember the toxic words of children and adults, people all poking fun at me.
I was always thin and bony and used to hide my body with baggy clothing. My period came when I was 14, and I’m shocked it wasn’t delayed because of my weight, but it was always all over the place. I went through years of being tormented by how flat-chested I was, and I looked like an ironing board and a boy figure.
My weight at this point was 7.5 stone, and I wasn’t short. I always used to try and get out of sports at school so the bullies wouldn’t pick on me regarding my frame and not having breasts, that dreaded fear of being in the changing rooms and then the nasty jibes of what would come next.
I could see myself I was scary thin, but no one ever intervened, and I carried on with my secret. I never ate breakfast in the morning and could go nearly all day without eating, surviving on water and apples but comes with this was dizziness and no energy.
I had a hatred towards myself. When I was forced to eat, which was quite a lot, I would make sure I would bring this back up. Backup to eat in front of anyone growing up in the teenage years, and while everyone else was eating burgers, I would decline.
For the horrid things that had gone on, this was one thing that was in my control. I could control it. I got used to my stomach rumbling and the constant feeling of sickness. I was at a terrible point in my life but still a child being told I wasn’t good enough, being bullied, being betrayed and abused.
There was no one fighting my corner or protecting me, and this was my life. Going through life and hiding it from people became every day to day life. In oversized/baggy clothing, my partner was the only person to see me undressed and never batted an eyelid either or even questioned it.
The only time I ate correctly was when I was pregnant because the baby didn’t deserve to go without, and I would have never forgiven myself if anything I had caused her harm. I hated my body and putting on weight while pregnant, and I piled on three stone during my pregnancy and had a healthy baby at the end of it.
The weight came off pretty quickly, and I went back into old habits that if anything went wrong, I would punish myself and eat as little as possible only when things were really out of control did I purge.
I have had several comments about being skinny and never putting on weight, and you “so lucky” if only people knew the shame and guilt I felt and how their words kept spinning around in my head. When you have a mental illness, it often convinces you that you ‘aren’t ill enough” and that you don’t need help.
I fully believed this for years. I did not know where to turn to for advice or get the words out that I needed help as finally, a switch had gone off in my head. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and is it possible to have a healthy relationship with food finally. Food has controlled me my whole life, and now I have made the first step in getting help.
Amelia Guest Blogger
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